Sunglasses are very important because without sunglasses, we would have to learn to do something with our hair. And hats kind of suck. Convention be damned, sunglasses actually look better resting atop your head—thereby delicately yet articulately sculpting your locks away from the radiancy of your visage—than covering up your eyes. Those gateway portals into the churning coils of your soul should not be hidden.
I quite enjoy direct eye contact because I am not a coward. There are two types of shades-over-eyes people in this world: The hot people who manage to make this feeble attempt at internal privacy seem cheeky, and the crybabies. If you find yourself seeking refuge from the constant ever-present eye of outside onlookers, you have either not ascended to the plane of shamelessness, or are too weak to properly lock emotion deep inside yourself and leave your optic doorways undecipherable.
So, what’s in a pair of shades? We have just gone over how sunglasses aren’t therapy, but that does not mean these babies won’t change your life.
If you knew me in college, you probably got familiar with at least one piece from my assorted collection. I'm certain you couldn't help but notice how totally badass I looked every time I sauntered into class, plagued by that gnawing question for the rest of your university days. How does she do it?
Now, to pull off a classic Kate Perryman, you’re gonna have to chop off most of your hair unless it was already an Acceptable Length. An Acceptable Length can range from just short of your shoulders to just past your ears. If your hair was preemptively short, get some fake hair (dissect a wig, get some extensions—I do not understand hair things) and use a paste to mash that into your organic hair.
This is crucial for the full visceral impact and cannot be skipped.
I went to a respectable beautician to unlock my short-haired potential, but I understand that not everyone has accessibility to natural American resources such as cosmetologists at this time. Going Disney’s 1998 Mulan is to be strongly encouraged. When all is said and done, nothing of value will be lost—only gained. The snipping and shaving and cutting and tearing and measuring but not really will be worth it when you place that crown of plastic and UV-ray protection over your new do.
For maximum style, pull some hair out from underneath the shades and let it hang slightly coif-ish over the forehead, unless you are one of those heathens with bangs in which case I cannot help you.
Shedding my tresses and honoring myself with a pair of sunglasses made me 99.9% sexier in every conceivable connotation of the word. This is true and irrefutable. But in becoming so alluring, I had to discover a new way of being. I also had to take on the responsibility of not looking like a rip-off young female Elton John (a tiring endeavor). As my collection expands, perhaps the barriers between our respective corporeal and incorporeal circles will start to blur and I will give up this fight and one day awaken to some glorious Kafkaesque Venn diagram of a life.
I am writing it into existence.
The power of sunglasses cannot be overstated. This is precisely why sunglasses should be extra-appreciated in "professional" environments and why people should stop asking me to get an actual hairstyle. Anyway, the ancient Greeks and Romans had laurel wreaths to display their public rankings in the Hierarchy of Coolness and we have THIS.
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